It burns us precious

Wedding Registries

2010-08-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

Here are links to my wedding registries (Caleb and I are getting married!!):

SmartyPig Widget: "Check out my SmartyPig goals."
Target Club Wedd: Claire Foushee and Caleb Thompson KS 11-13-2010
Amazon.com Wedding Registry

2 1/2 Years Later...

2010-02-08T15:44:00.001-08:00

Due to the overwhelming demand of my fans (apparently at least 2 people have checked my blog recently), I have decided to post an update.

No, I am no longer dating James. Yes, I know how to spell Caleb's name. Punks.

Life since June 30, 2007:
I continued to date James until Jan 2008, although after about October, it was really just hanging out as friends again. The break-up was amiable and didn't come as a surprise. We've continued to be close friends.

In the spring of 2008, I applied to teach English in Mongolia, and bought my tickets to the Beijing Olympics. The Olympics were expensive, but AWESOME, and I am so glad I went, and that Emily went with me. Many good memories and pictures resulted. We also spent a week in Mongolia, which was less eventful, but a good learning experience. Ultimately, I was not accepted for the teaching program, but that actually allowed me to see that I couldn't postpone "my life" indefinitely.

to be continued...

The end of the world as we know it

2007-06-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

That's right folks...prepare yourselves for the end, for the unimaginable has happenned...I have a boyfriend!

Ok, so maybe it's not that unbelievable, but it still kinda is to me. And we've been dating over 2 months now (yeah, I'm really slow about this blog). His name is James and I will write more farther down, but first...

Other things I've failed to blog about in the meantime: I found a new roommate, Melissa, who moved in while I was in Brazil. She stayed until May and moved out in preparation for studying abroad in Australia. Then I found roommate #3: Pam, who moved in shortly after Melissa moved out. I haven't gotten to spend much time with Pam, because right after moving in she was very busy with her sister's wedding. Shortly after the wedding, I started dating James and I wasn't around the apartment very much. Pam is usually already gone for work by the time I get up, and she often doesn't get home until I'm already asleep. But I know she lives here because clean dishes get dirty and dirty dishes get clean. A few other inanimate objects move around as well.

Now back to James: he and I have actually known each other since 6th grade (14 years as when I'm writing this), and though we haven't necessarily been the closest of friends over the years, we have kept in touch and basically kept up with each other's lives. I went to KU, he went to KState. After college, he moved to Wichita about 6 months before me, and was one of the few people in town I knew. He opened his circle of friends to me when I was without peers, and because we have a lot of similar interests, we naturally started hanging out more and more (especially since January). I was finally the one who brought up the subject (in April) and told him, "It's ok for you to pursue me, if that's what you want to do." It took him about 2 weeks after that to decide (or to tell me) , and our relationship officially began on April 18, 2007.

It is very new and very strange for me in many ways. First, it's hard for me to believe that any man would want a relationship with me. At least not a godly, intelligent, handsome man like James. I have a lot of insecurities that have built up from years of lonliness and not thinking I was good enough.

Second, I'm so used to being his friend, that unless I make an effort to remember that he's my boyfriend now, it's easy to start acting like he's "just a friend" even when it's just the two of us. Not that it's bad to slip into "friend mode" because I do really value our friendship, but I do want to make sure that he knows he is special to me, and that I don't take him for granted.

Third, the fact that we have known each other so long--to know that I've been alone for so long, and he's been right there the whole time--is kinda spooky. I don't know whether to be mad at him, myself, or God for taking so long, or whether to laugh it off and consider it a great story. Generally though, the positive feelings outweigh the negative feelings right now and it's hard to be mad at anybody.

Fourth, this isn't how I expected a relationship to feel. I was expecting thunder and lightning and sleepless nights and butterflies in my stomach and a lot of nervousness and awkward silence around each other. Not to say there hasn't been any of that, but our time as friends has really boosted the level of comfort we have with each other. I know his beliefs and his character and I trust him. And most of all, I believe that he really does like me (the first paragraph being more from my perspective, "how could anyone like me?" vs this as "I believe him when he says he likes me"). I'm not worried about impressing him or doing something wrong and losing him, and it seems the feeling is mutual. Though it would be nice if he did try to impress me from time to time (bring me flowers, hint, hint).

It's getting late, and I've got some Eureka to watch. I'll try not to wat 5 months before I blog again.

Ice and Snow are Cold, Brasil is Not

2007-01-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

Whaddyaknow? I get back from hot tropical Brazil just in time for a long stretch of ice in Wichita.

For the time being, I think I'll just post info about my trip to Brazil. I wrote this about 1/2 way through my trip (although I've changed a few words and verb tenses to reflect the present, then decided it wasn't worth the effort to correct everything).

Due to stupid-ness on the part of the airline, I missed my last flight on the way into Brazil. They changed my flight so that I only had 1 hour to reclaim my bag, go through customs, and re-check my bag. When I told them I was concerned about it, they told me changing my flight would cost me a fine at the airport. I ended up staying in the Rio de Janeiro airport for 16 hours, without any guarantee that I would ever get out. After 11 hours, I broke down (plus I had been awake for > 24 hours, so I was really tired) and I think the main reason they finally put me on a flight was that I was crying. See, it does get you something. :)

I spent my first week staying with a family that doesn't speak English, but I don't speak Portuguese, so I guess we were a good match. We developed somewhat of a pigeon language combining English, Portuguese, and certain hand gestures. They were sweet. However, towards the end of the week I was getting a little restless. They not only lock outsiders out, they lock themselves in. Unless we were specifically somewhere else, I was locked in the house. They are a middle-class Brazilian family. They have only 1 car, a small TV with bad reception, but have 2 servants and a good-sized pool. They grow all their own fruits in their backyard.

The second week I actually stayed with the family that I came to see. They have a bilingual school for little kids, for which I am developing a website. It's good to know that I'm understood again.

Pretty much the only things I've done so far is work on the website, eat, sleep, eat, and eat some more. Lots of rice, beans, bread, fruits, and cous-cous. But also lots of beef, cheese, eggs and desert. I feel like I'm eating 2 meals at once--one for a vegetarian and one for a carnivore. But all of it has been good. They even have cake for breakfast. Now that I'm staying with an English-speaking family, I think I can safely eat less without offending anyone.

My first day here, they took me to a Brazilian barbeque, called churrasco (shu-has-cu). They have these huge skewers (about 3 feet long), and they just keep bringing out different cuts of beef, and slice some off for you. It just kept coming and coming until you tell them to stop.

Observations:

I'm in Carpina, which isn't so much of a city as a town. There are a LOT of car dealerships (mostly used) and tire stores and construction-type stores here.
You drive on whichever side of the road has the fewest holes in it. Most roads are dirt, but the main roads in town are brick (or used to resemble brick). Most cars are compact.
The buildings aren't so pretty on the outside, but the insides are usually very clean (even the bathrooms-public ones, too!), and the floors have beautiful tile or stone.
The middle and upper class families have servants to help keep things pristine. They don't have a lot of furniture, but what they do have is really nice.
Trash is thrown out on the street (mind you, the street farthest from the house, but in the street nonetheless).
They are not afraid of setting off fireworks within a few feet of cars and buildings. I was freaking out.
Despite all the bugs, they do not have screen doors.
Garage Doors (or equivalent) open sideways.
In the big city, the skyscrapers are green, orange, and purple.
Buying 4 rechargeable batteries for my (new!) digital camera cost me $20!

It's my birthday!

2006-10-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 25 now. One quarter of a century. I love how on facebook everyone writes on my wall for my birthday. Never for anything else, just my birthday.

I want to write something deep and meaningful, but then again, I'm not really in the mood. Anyways, this day hasn't been particularly birthday-ish. I had a party on Friday and that felt more like the real thing. Today: no celebrations, no soul searching, no presents. Just a day.

I'm trying to go overseas for Christmas. I have so little time off now that I'm working, that I really want to take advantage of it and use it for God's glory. I asked Becca if I could visit her in Indo, but she said no. Then I tried for Malawi, but Danny said no. I've got 2 families who have responded positively--one in Brazil and one in Papau New Guinea. I replied to them today to get more info so I can pray about whether either of them are the right opportunity. I almost want to contact someone I know in Israel and see if I could go there. But I have trouble making decisions sometimes, and maybe I should just concentrate on the choices I have before me right now first.

Speaking of prayer, I have really been struggling to be disciplined lately. Both in my quiet times and prayer life, and as far as physical discipline--diet and exercize and even getting out of bed in the mornings when I need to. I haven't gained any weight back, but I haven't lost any since Kyle and Lydia's wedding back in August. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get motivated to do the basic things I know I need to do. Part of it is lonliness setting back in.

My roommate moved out a couple weeks ago (I realized today that I haven't blogged about her at all). I really do believe that God made us roommates, but I'm sad that I didn't have more of an impact in her life, and I'm sad for the choices that she made. But as other women have encouraged me, her story isn't over yet, and my example may still play a part in her life. I do have to say that I have felt more freedom since she left--not just to have things the way I want them in the apartment, but to express my faith at home. Unconsciously, I have really been holding back for fear of offending her or making her feel that she could never meet the standard I had set. She has expressed multiple times that "I'm not as good a Christian as you are, Claire", and used that as an excuse to do whatever she wanted to do that deep down she knew she shouldn't be doing. That was the reason I had to give her an ultimatum--change your behavior and your attitude or find a new place to live--and she chose to leave.

Since then I've been rearranging the furniture and busying myself with errands and trying not to think about the fact that I'm roommateless. The dogs have been a blessing to me to keep me from completely withdrawing. But even so, I really long for a sister, to be mutually encouraged in our faith, and just to talk to and to drag me out of the apartment sometimes. I am searching for another roommate, but thus far have been too busy getting ready for my birthday to really put much effort into it.

So Many Windmills, So Little Time

2006-08-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

I finally finished the first half of Don Quixote this week. I think I will give myself a break and read Sense and Sensibility before I try tackling the second half.

Actually, I have a lot to blog about, but I need to hit the hay soon, so maybe I'll remember that I have a blog again soon and make an update. Maybe.

This is a poor excuse for a blog entry.

VooDoo Doll for Lonliness

2006-01-19T19:55:00.000-08:00

If anyone doesn't get the title, it's from that cellphone commercial...if you still don't get it, too bad for you.
I am going so completely crazy from lonliness. The lonlier I get, the more I just hide out in my apartment, the less people I see and the more restless/neurotic I get, the lonlier I am. I am so desperate for a rooommate and for someone(s) to invest in. I went to Christian Challenge tonight. It was a good message and really good to have people around, but I get all nervous and shy when I'm the new person and I didn't talk to anyone I hadn't met before. I asked about the possibility of leading a Bible study, but aparently you have to be in one of their church's Bible studies first, and then be a "Leader in Training" before they'll let you lead one yourself. I'm not patient enough for that. And I feel no calling to get involved in another church.
I need to have people I feel I'm responsible for. Maybe some of it is a pride issue, but it's also just longing for something familiar to cling to, and I'm motivated to seek God if it's for others' benefit, but not very motivated just for myself. I forgot to ask around if anyone was looking for an apartment. I need other people here. I can't keep being the only one who is ever here. I just can't. I feel like a broken record. All I ever tell people anymore is that I'm lonely.

On a more spiritual side of things, I really want to understand grace. I keep finding myself striving after my own righteousness, and falling short, then burdened with shame for it. I know this isn't what Christ has for me. And I'm so scared of sin. I fear that God is going to be angry with me for my failures, and call me to account for them. It is so hard to consider that God has no wrath left for me--Christ satisfied all of it. Sin is to be despised, not because it might hold me again, but as an old broken chain of my former slavery; as the enemy of the One I love.
I've been reading from Job lately, and I am identifying with him in his struggle to understand righteousness. Not that I have suffered great loss or my friends are accusing me or I'm so depressed I wish I had never been born--but desiring to be found righteous before God, but knowing all fall short, and knowing that He is holy and He does what He will and I cannot question Him. I'm starting to see how amazing it is that God saved me despite my craving to justify myself. To get me to accept that I'm a sinner is a great thing indeed.

Too much analyzing makes one sound depressed

2006-01-10T20:15:00.000-08:00

About time for another post, I suppose.

Honestly, I even forget that I have a blog for weeks at a time. I guess that's better than obsession with it. :)

I'm finally starting to be useful at work, fixing bugs in some of the software. Believe it or not, I don't mind all the testing and such. I like being able to see my changes at work--to know I'm actually accomplishing something. I wonder if I'll ever grow beyond being performance-driven. Even trying not to be performance-driven is a type of performance...try to wrap your mind around THAT! :)

Pretty soon I'll start being more involved with church and maybe a campus ministry. Right now, though, I still don't have much to do in the evenings. I've been watching episodes of Monk (first 3 seasons--Christmas present from my brother), reading Oliver Twist, and playing video games. Exciting life, don't you say? Someday I'll go to the zoo. It's only a dollar for Winter Wednesdays. James has invited me to a couple concerts, but I've been out of town both times.

I'm restless, but also scared. It takes so much effort to establish oneself in a new place. I really am shy in new environments, and it drains me emotionally to meet people when I'm the new one. I very much want to know/control what they think of me, and I usually assume the worst in that respect. I always feel I have to prove myself, and that's difficult when I don't have a clue what I'm doing or who I'm trying to impress.

Woe is me! Haha. This is sounding worse than it feels right now. I'm going to stop analyzing and get back to my young friend Oliver Twist. Goodnight, all.

Is It Possible?

2005-12-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

Is it possible? Three posts in one month? We shall see...

I accidentally left my Bible pouch at church this morning. I have been really struggling with having a quiet time lately anyways, this didn't help matters much. So I decided to journal here instead of in my journal. I knew a blog was good for something.

It's been so long that I don't remember what passages I'm supposed to be reading in Numbers and Luke. I know I just finished Ecclesiastes and am supposed to start Song of Solomon next, which I'm nervous about. My heart's been so torn up from lonliness lately that I don't want to read it. I'm afraid what affect it might have on me. That's probably added to my reluctance to have quiet times. I am trying to teach myself that I don't have to have my journal in front of me to spend time with God, but I am learning more and more that I do really need His Word. In print or memorized, long passages or short. I just need truth to hold on to so my emotions and own misguided and/or self-centered ideas don't become my measure of what is right and good. Help me, Father, to choose your truth over my own explanation.

*Note: Trying to read SoS in the Amplified Version for a quiet time is a bit challenging.

Song of Solomon - Ch 1
This book has always been difficult for me to read. I feel like I'm looking in on something that isn't for me to see. I read quickly so it won't stay in my mind, as if my remembering any detail would corrupt it. I wouldn't dare try to study it like other books. I'm so scared that this is something God doesn't want for me. It is so foreign to my experience that it can't be for me. So impossible that any hope on my part would be automatic heartbreak. And so I won't let myself hope, I won't let myself pray for this.
But I think God wants to teach me that it is a good thing. That I am allowed to ask for it. But I am still so afraid. I know how sinful my heart is. No, I don't. I know the tiniest fraction of how sinful my heart is, and I am not worthy of this. And I know that I have prayed for it, even when I had no faith that it was right to do so, and so far God has said no.
There are so many dimensions to my fears and convictions and questions that I could write for weeks, but it wouldn't be appropriate for blog posting (whether this entry is appropriate could be questioned as it is), and I know it would drag me down into a depression like it always does when I think on these things too long. But a major fear is that if I let myself ask for love, and God says no, will I lose faith? Many times I fear I've already lost it. But let me be proved unfaithful, a liar. God is still found true. He will still keep His Word. He will still be God of this Universe. And He will still love me, even if noone else does, and even if I turn from Him.
Earlier this week, for the first time, I had the faith to believe that maybe God is going to do this. Maybe He will accomplish the impossible for me. Maybe He will give me the desire of my heart. Maybe He will amaze me. I don't know. There is a little bit of comfort in knowing that it is impossible--if it happens then God has done it, and not me.

I meant the title of this entry to match the opening statement, but it seems fitting for the entire post as well. Anyone reading this need not fear having invaded my privacy. I'm not a big believer in privacy. Everything hidden will be exposed. Nothing is hidden from God. But I know I still wear masks out in the open. Through writing I can be a lot more open, like I want to be but never have the guts to be in person. If anything, I hope you've figured out that I'm a sinner. I tend to keep that covered up when I go outside.

Deserves Better

2005-12-21T20:31:00.000-08:00

It is only fair to say that today I recieved a Thank You card from Danny. (I complained about not getting one last entry). I take back everything bad I ever said about you. ;-)

Merry Christmas!

Career Woman

2005-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

Someone told me that they actually check if I've updated my blog...so I guess that means I have fans!! woo hoo! In that case, I'm doing this for my fans......

I've now been in Wichita almost 5 weeks, working for Aeroflex. I may actually start doing some real "work" soon! Kinda exciting. Also kinda frightening. I hope I don't blow anything up. At least not yet. :)

My dining room chairs and computer desk finally came in today. I've assembled 2 of 4 chairs already. The desk...well, I have to get the box up the stairs and in the door first. I'm going to need some reinforcements for that.

I think I like Wichita. Believe it or not (or care about it or not), I found a Navigators group here...with about 15 people in it. I'm praying about whether to get involved there or find another ministry since Navs has pretty successfully become my identity. Not necessarily a good thing. Maybe I can talk Seth and Mindy into coming down here. They could even move into my apartment for a while. I could share a room with the kids. :-p

Becky N sent me a thank you letter today. Her brother Danny has yet to send me a thank you letter, but I won't hold that against him...he's a boy. He did actually say "Thank you" once.

*Note to PB & Janie: House of Cha told me that they're opening a store here in Ta-town pretty soon. I will have my Bubble Tea!! (insert evil cackle here).

My life lately has been rather sad. I haven't been doing much at work (though that should be changing soon), and then I have nobody to come home to, no friends to go out with, nothing particularly worthy to accomplish in my free time. It's been rather lonely. All the college students are getting ready for Christmas break and won't come back for a few weeks, so I can't get involved there yet. I think this really is a time for me to draw nearer to God, but I've been struggling against it almost the whole time I've been here. I don't know why, either. It would seem very logical to draw near to Him when I have nobody else, but something in me just wants to push Him away right now. Lord, break this pride of mine. All I have You've given me, and is Yours. Let me see it that way and take care of it in a worthy manner (been reading Leviticus & Numbers lately), as things that are given wholly to you.

I could keep writing, but the other 2 chairs are calling my name. See you next 3 months!

One Month Later

2005-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

So....yet again it's been a while.

I can however blog about what I wanted to blog about last time: Danny and Becca are "praying about dating"! Except that now they actually are dating, and everybody knows, and now that it's not a secret it seems silly to talk about it much. But I'm still very excited for them.

I know that I learned a lot this summer. The hard part seems to be making it all a part of my life NOW. I've been very up and down emotionally since I've been home. Some days are great, some I'm semi-paralyzed by depression (thank you for things that are not optional that make me get out of bed in the morning/afternoon like work), and many are spent in front of the TV (near the bottom of the scale). Few are mediocre.

My quiet times have also been inconsistent--hmm, wonder if there's a correlation--usually about every other day. But realistically, that's the same or better than this summer, when I had a very rigid schedule and was forced to manage my time.

I am still very performance-oriented. If I get a lot done in a day, I feel like it was a good day. If I don't accomplish all that I overestimated myself to do, or don't accomplish anything, I feel like I'm a horrible person. Anybody out there identify? And since I haven't gotten a whole lot done, I feel kinda miserable most of the time. I still have not learned how to transition well, and I have not learned the value of being still. Even in my "quiet times" I feel that I need to constantly be doing something, reading something, writing something, saying something. It's hard for me to just say, "God, I'm here," and wait for Him.

On another note, I figured out why I've been dragging my feet about starting my career. It's because deep down I fear that getting a "real job" means that I am officially giving up on getting married and having a family, which is that last thing I ever want to give up. God, I am going to have to trust You even more in this stage of life. Statistically, the odds are going to be a lot lower that I'll meet somebody who shares my values and will lead me, but You are a God that defies statistics.

This blog is getting uber-long, guess I'm making up for the last month. The truth is, I forget that I even have a blog. Jules says I need to add pictures. So here's a picture:

Roger is very Jolly.

Back from Jax

2005-08-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

The title says it all...

I'm back from Jacksonville, FL. It was "soo goood" (Mike Havenstein voice, not Teen Girl Squad), but so very hard as well. I intend to blog some about this later. Definitely still journaling about stuff. Unfortunately, the one thing I'd most like to blog about, I can't yet...and maybe never will...but I really want to talk to someone (everyone!) about it....I know something you don't know!! :)

Anyways. Gotta sleep. Just though it was unacceptible that I haven't updated anything in about 5 months...not that anybody reads this (except maybe Charlie). By the way, I got a few Neopets toys from McDonald's this summer...pulled a couple out of the trash...I'm using way too many elipses today...that's what you get from staying up late (for me)...

Money is Boring

2005-03-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

Dealing with money is really lame. I mean, getting a paycheck is fine, and buying stuff is fine, and even buying groceries and paying rent is ok, but having to pay gas bills and health insurance and figure out my taxes and pay off loans and wonder if I'm going to have a job this summer and whether I can get anyone to sublease my apartment...that is getting me down. Maybe that's why I came home from work and started playing games on neopets.com again (haven't for a couple years).

Went to Topeka today. I kinda liked it. Different atmosphere. Not that I really got to see much of the place. Just drove through a few blocks on my way to work.

I've been reading through Passion and Purity (VERY slowly this time) for about the 3rd time. You definitely take away different things from it when you've got someone particular in mind than when you don't. I fall into the second category right now. Not that there's not men I admire, but I'm not fooling myself. When God begins that relationship, then the man will pursue me. I won't have it any other way.

Passionate About Something

2005-03-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

Wow...

It really has been a while since I've made an update. Told you I was bad at journaling.

I've pretty much decided to keep working at KFL and not seek another job. If I get a job offer in Lawrence, I may consider it, but I do really believe that I'm filling a void at KFL right now. True, I don't know where anything at the office is, and most of the time I have to refer all the phonecalls to my boss because I don't know anything. But without me, the phone wouldn't even get answered most of the time. :p Plus, I am really passionate about this issue. It is more and more obvious the longer I work there.

That being said, it is a good cause to be passionate about. But how often am I that passionate about Christ? Hardly ever, and not nearly enough. Father, give me a real passion for Your glory. Stronger than it ever has been. And always growing. Make me bold for the sake of Your Name and Your reputation. Let me be as confident in speaking about You as I am (or rather, as Mary Kay is) in telling people why abortion is wrong. Let me be that familiar with Your Word and the gospel. Let me hunger for knowledge of You as much as and more than I desire to be educated about prolife issues. Make me ready to speak Your praise. Everywhere I go, may I tell the gospel to everyone I meet. That is too high a standard for me to obtain. But Father, it is not too difficult for You.

I also have a deepening conviction about praying for my team this summer. God, first of all, give me an overwhelming desire to pray for them. Secondly, give me a love for them such that it really is a joy to sacrifice on their behalf. Make me into the kind of leader they need, willing to take the short end of the bargain in order to see them grow; being an example in the way I live; and willing to show all my failures in order that they may have hope. I really want to pour myself out for them. But I need to start now, with the relationships I currently have, otherwise I won't know how when I meet my team.

On a COMPLETELY unrelated note: Ligers really do exist. They have one at the Sierra something Zoo. There are pictures on their website. I doubt, however, that they are bred for their skills in magic. I'm too lazy to look up the website right now, so you can do the work. :p Goodnight.

Dream Report

2005-02-12T15:55:00.000-08:00

No particularly interesting/humorous/scary dreams to report on. But I did dream that something bad happened to Chelsea a long time ago, and everybody knew but nobody would tell me! I haven't heard from her in months. I need to find that girl. I really am starting to get worried about her.

...probably have nightmares tonight...

2005-02-11T23:19:00.000-08:00

Information overload day. After getting up semi-early to pray and sing at Danforth Chapel, I rescued Becca from flat-tire-itis and leant her my car for the day. Then the real work began.

I took my practice ACT for Kaplan. Started falling asleep during the 3rd (Reading) section because I had let myself sit in the warm sun in-between tests. Bad idea. Drowsiness during tests is never good. After I finished the test, I took a real nap, except that I was so excited about finally getting to take a nap, that I couldn't really get to sleep. But it was still very restful and very needed. I laid on the floor in the sun and it was wonderful.

When Abigail got home, we took a walk around the neighborhood. A lot of hills around here. (By the way, I know that is not a complete sentence in English. But no one asked me for complete sentences!) Had some bonding time. Found out we've both been in a relationship with a Messianic Jew. Thought that was interesting.

Started going through all my other material for Kaplan. Lots of forms to fill out. I found out that I have to prepare an introduction for myself tomorrow morning. I also have more things to print out, and I don't have a printer! Becca to the rescue--I'm going to her place in the morning.

I should have been in bed about an hour ago (even though it isn't late), but I started reading my 15 e-mails that I haven't checked since yesterday. Then had to chat with people. Then had to update my blog. Had to wash the dishes somewhere in there too. Like speaking (typing) in non-sentences. Saves time.

Anyways, the reason I will probably have nightmares is I've read waaaay too much information today (including during the ACT) and haven't had time to process it mentally. So it will all run through my head tonight. Tornadoes and pandas and teaching and tax forms and laundry (running out of clean clothes here) and Elisabeth Elliott and Florida and my friend Cecilia with blonde hair. Craziness. If I remember anything that's noteworthy from my dreams, I'll post it.

Charlie doesn't like Florida. To find out why, read his blog: http://inabeanpod.blogspot.com/

My friend Tom also has a blog:
http://tompage.blogspot.com/ He's very funny.

Goodnight! Chalomot paz! ("Golden dreams")

Of Sleep Deprivation and Website Obsessions

2005-02-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

Maybe people will read my blog since I mentioned it on facebook :)

Now that I finally have internet access in my apartment (woohoo!) I can return to doting on my baby, the Douthart website. Yes, I know I have left the hall and she has been adopted by a new mother, but there are several life-lessons I still need to teach her (a.k.a. loose ends I need to clean up) while I have the chance. Potentially, I could use the basic structure of the site for future websites of my own (that won't ever have to be given up for adoption).

I've also been (finally) making updates to the KU Navs site. Some of it can be tedious, but I'm finally getting the hang of this system. The main problem is that related information and settings aren't necessarily in the same place, and you have to remember where to find everything you need.

Sleep is a precious commodity. And I have had too little of it lately. But hey, at least I have an income now (small though it may be) and that is a precious commodity as well. The "Community Conference" a.k.a. Jerry Bridges Conference is now over, so I've got a little more time to do stuff. But in the next week I need to take a practice ACT test, do the rest of my "homework" for my first Kaplan teaching training session, complete my Jacksonville STP application, and try to find time to meet with each of my Bible study girls.

Debating whether to mention this, but a certain person of the male persuaion definitely was sending me signals the other day. This also is adding to the sleep deprivation, but I don't mind that so much. Men can be slow, but at least they're pretty obvious about it when they're interested. Time for me to wait and see if he does anything about it. Currently praying for wisdom and courage for him, and patience and grace for me.

If any reader is now freaking out thinking he may have unwittingly given me the wrong idea, and is considering avoiding me for a while to set the record straight, forget it.
1)This person was very deliberate
2)I'm waiting for him to actually tell me his intentions
3)I don't interpret conversation, joking around, hanging out, serving together, or being a gentleman as "signals"
4)It would make me very sad if all my male friends suddenly avoided me
I probably won't say anything more about this unless he does approach the subject. But I want some recorded proof that I noticed :)

Is anybody reading this?

2005-02-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

So now I have 2 jobs. And one of them I may be able to take with me to Florida this summer. God really provides.

I'm working temporarily at KFL to help out with office stuff while they're planning/aftermath of the banquet.

I also had my audition with Kaplan today. Had to make a 5-minute "how-to" presentation; I chose to teach a game (thanks for the suggestion Joy). I knew that "4 on a Couch" was a quality game and knowing it would be beneficial. I totally think it needs to make a comeback at AfterNavs events (hear that Danny?).

Still hoping to get a daytime job in Lawrence Public Schools, but I don't know if my Kaplan contract will allow me to teach (at all) elsewhere or not. Need to ask.

Past my bedtime. And on a schoolnight, too! Oh wait...

The hunt continues

2005-01-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

Howdy All!

Nothing much to add today. Went to a very disappointing career fair--only about 15 companies there and all they were looking for were sales people. Tomorrow I'm going to drive around town and brainstorm all the places that might need computer techs/programmers/web design/etc... after I go to First Watch with Becca (mmm mmm good).

Must add random comment...
"Beauty will fade and perish,
but personal hygiene is practically undying" - from "The Sorcerer"

Day 2

2005-01-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

Wow. The internet signal in my apartment has been strong for 2 days in a row! That's surprising. Thought I'd check in with my new semi-obsession. It's not as addicting as facebook. Yet.

I'm catching up on the Thru The Bible broadcasts that I've missed (thank you Becca for downloading them for me. It may seem like a small thing, but it was exactly what I needed to encourage me in my walk right now). Got to Hebrews Ch 12 today, talking about God disciplining His children. Maybe this bout of discouragement lately is due to discipline. I've never dealt with discouragement well. I usually spend less and less time in the Word and my prayers become fewer and more self-focused and it all downward spirals from there until some outside force changes my circumstances. I definitely do need to be trained in the discipline of seekng God consistently, even when my heart is prone to wander.

I think I've gotten past the point where I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I pretty much know who I am now, and I get disappointed that I'm not the person I want to be. But it is humbling to know I'm not as great as I thought I was. Now if I can only let others see that I don't have it all together. Pride is so deceptive. Wearing masks doesn't do anybody any good.

A phrase that's been haunting me lately is a quote we read for Joshua team (and later heard it in church as well). A pastor stated that "the greatest need of my congregation is for my personal holiness." My own personal holiness is definitely lacking, and much of the time I feel unworthy to be leading anybody. But that was the trap that had me paralyzed and uneffective for so long. I can't use my failings as an excuse not to lead. I definitely don't deserve to lead anyone, but I don't deserve a lot of the things that are given me. Since I have been given leadership roles, I need to be extra conscious of my personal holiness, equip myself with all the tools and armor God has given me, and fight even harder against the forces that are trying to halt my walk. It's not only for my own sake, but especially for those women whom I am trying to disciple. Father, I need your grace to fight this battle. I can't do it on my own.

Peace out. Yeah, so I'm wordy. Deal with it.

Lack of Motivation

2005-01-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

Now that I am graduated and officially unemployed, I've had a severe lack of motivation. I attributed it mostly to the fact that all my still-in-college friends were still on Christmas vacation, but that is no longer the case, and I have yet to do anything particularly productive with my time.

I know that I am supposed to be here, because God has provided me my new apartment and continuing ministry opportunities in my hall (yes, it's still MY hall), but I can't seem to escape the subtle suggestion that I've missed something.

Anyways, I'm a verbal processor...can't seem to make anything make sense unless I talk to someone about it. I've never been consistant about keeping a journal...maybe this will work out better.

I pretty much try to be an open book, so I could get kind of personal here, but I'll try to keep from embarrassing anybody else. Deal? Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent...

If you're curious about the name of this blog, I just couldn't think of anything. This name came about while brainstorming potential band names with some friends. :) If it's good for a band, it's good for a blog.

Here goes nuthin'