Day 2

Wow. The internet signal in my apartment has been strong for 2 days in a row! That's surprising. Thought I'd check in with my new semi-obsession. It's not as addicting as facebook. Yet.

I'm catching up on the Thru The Bible broadcasts that I've missed (thank you Becca for downloading them for me. It may seem like a small thing, but it was exactly what I needed to encourage me in my walk right now). Got to Hebrews Ch 12 today, talking about God disciplining His children. Maybe this bout of discouragement lately is due to discipline. I've never dealt with discouragement well. I usually spend less and less time in the Word and my prayers become fewer and more self-focused and it all downward spirals from there until some outside force changes my circumstances. I definitely do need to be trained in the discipline of seekng God consistently, even when my heart is prone to wander.

I think I've gotten past the point where I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I pretty much know who I am now, and I get disappointed that I'm not the person I want to be. But it is humbling to know I'm not as great as I thought I was. Now if I can only let others see that I don't have it all together. Pride is so deceptive. Wearing masks doesn't do anybody any good.

A phrase that's been haunting me lately is a quote we read for Joshua team (and later heard it in church as well). A pastor stated that "the greatest need of my congregation is for my personal holiness." My own personal holiness is definitely lacking, and much of the time I feel unworthy to be leading anybody. But that was the trap that had me paralyzed and uneffective for so long. I can't use my failings as an excuse not to lead. I definitely don't deserve to lead anyone, but I don't deserve a lot of the things that are given me. Since I have been given leadership roles, I need to be extra conscious of my personal holiness, equip myself with all the tools and armor God has given me, and fight even harder against the forces that are trying to halt my walk. It's not only for my own sake, but especially for those women whom I am trying to disciple. Father, I need your grace to fight this battle. I can't do it on my own.

Peace out. Yeah, so I'm wordy. Deal with it.