VooDoo Doll for Lonliness
If anyone doesn't get the title, it's from that cellphone commercial...if you still don't get it, too bad for you.
I am going so completely crazy from lonliness. The lonlier I get, the more I just hide out in my apartment, the less people I see and the more restless/neurotic I get, the lonlier I am. I am so desperate for a rooommate and for someone(s) to invest in. I went to Christian Challenge tonight. It was a good message and really good to have people around, but I get all nervous and shy when I'm the new person and I didn't talk to anyone I hadn't met before. I asked about the possibility of leading a Bible study, but aparently you have to be in one of their church's Bible studies first, and then be a "Leader in Training" before they'll let you lead one yourself. I'm not patient enough for that. And I feel no calling to get involved in another church.
I need to have people I feel I'm responsible for. Maybe some of it is a pride issue, but it's also just longing for something familiar to cling to, and I'm motivated to seek God if it's for others' benefit, but not very motivated just for myself. I forgot to ask around if anyone was looking for an apartment. I need other people here. I can't keep being the only one who is ever here. I just can't. I feel like a broken record. All I ever tell people anymore is that I'm lonely.
On a more spiritual side of things, I really want to understand grace. I keep finding myself striving after my own righteousness, and falling short, then burdened with shame for it. I know this isn't what Christ has for me. And I'm so scared of sin. I fear that God is going to be angry with me for my failures, and call me to account for them. It is so hard to consider that God has no wrath left for me--Christ satisfied all of it. Sin is to be despised, not because it might hold me again, but as an old broken chain of my former slavery; as the enemy of the One I love.
I've been reading from Job lately, and I am identifying with him in his struggle to understand righteousness. Not that I have suffered great loss or my friends are accusing me or I'm so depressed I wish I had never been born--but desiring to be found righteous before God, but knowing all fall short, and knowing that He is holy and He does what He will and I cannot question Him. I'm starting to see how amazing it is that God saved me despite my craving to justify myself. To get me to accept that I'm a sinner is a great thing indeed.
posted by Claire @ 7:55 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
I know exactly which commercial you are talking about ;)
I like living alone though, so I don't need a doll to poke. Your wanting to understand grace is like me wanting to understand girls... it wont happen in our life time. I think you'll have a better chance of understanding grace once you get to heaven and can sit with the inventor of grace for a nice long briefing on it.
On a more serious note, you should purchace a copy of the book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. Here's the little blurb from the back of the book:
"Most of us believe in God's grace--in theory. But somehow we can't seem to apply it in our daily lives. We continue to see Him as a small-minded bookkeeper, tallying our failures and successes on a score sheet. Yet God gives us His grace, willingly, no matter what we've done. We come to Him as ragamuffins--dirty, bedraggled, and beat-up. And when we sit at His feet, He smiles upon us, the chosen objects of His "furious love." Brennan Manning's now-classic meditation on grace and what it takes to access it--simple honesty--has changed thousands of lives. It will change yours, too.
It's a really great book and might offer some insight to your understanding of grace :)
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