Is It Possible?

Is it possible? Three posts in one month? We shall see...

I accidentally left my Bible pouch at church this morning. I have been really struggling with having a quiet time lately anyways, this didn't help matters much. So I decided to journal here instead of in my journal. I knew a blog was good for something.

It's been so long that I don't remember what passages I'm supposed to be reading in Numbers and Luke. I know I just finished Ecclesiastes and am supposed to start Song of Solomon next, which I'm nervous about. My heart's been so torn up from lonliness lately that I don't want to read it. I'm afraid what affect it might have on me. That's probably added to my reluctance to have quiet times. I am trying to teach myself that I don't have to have my journal in front of me to spend time with God, but I am learning more and more that I do really need His Word. In print or memorized, long passages or short. I just need truth to hold on to so my emotions and own misguided and/or self-centered ideas don't become my measure of what is right and good. Help me, Father, to choose your truth over my own explanation.

*Note: Trying to read SoS in the Amplified Version for a quiet time is a bit challenging.

Song of Solomon - Ch 1
This book has always been difficult for me to read. I feel like I'm looking in on something that isn't for me to see. I read quickly so it won't stay in my mind, as if my remembering any detail would corrupt it. I wouldn't dare try to study it like other books. I'm so scared that this is something God doesn't want for me. It is so foreign to my experience that it can't be for me. So impossible that any hope on my part would be automatic heartbreak. And so I won't let myself hope, I won't let myself pray for this.
But I think God wants to teach me that it is a good thing. That I am allowed to ask for it. But I am still so afraid. I know how sinful my heart is. No, I don't. I know the tiniest fraction of how sinful my heart is, and I am not worthy of this. And I know that I have prayed for it, even when I had no faith that it was right to do so, and so far God has said no.
There are so many dimensions to my fears and convictions and questions that I could write for weeks, but it wouldn't be appropriate for blog posting (whether this entry is appropriate could be questioned as it is), and I know it would drag me down into a depression like it always does when I think on these things too long. But a major fear is that if I let myself ask for love, and God says no, will I lose faith? Many times I fear I've already lost it. But let me be proved unfaithful, a liar. God is still found true. He will still keep His Word. He will still be God of this Universe. And He will still love me, even if noone else does, and even if I turn from Him.
Earlier this week, for the first time, I had the faith to believe that maybe God is going to do this. Maybe He will accomplish the impossible for me. Maybe He will give me the desire of my heart. Maybe He will amaze me. I don't know. There is a little bit of comfort in knowing that it is impossible--if it happens then God has done it, and not me.

I meant the title of this entry to match the opening statement, but it seems fitting for the entire post as well. Anyone reading this need not fear having invaded my privacy. I'm not a big believer in privacy. Everything hidden will be exposed. Nothing is hidden from God. But I know I still wear masks out in the open. Through writing I can be a lot more open, like I want to be but never have the guts to be in person. If anything, I hope you've figured out that I'm a sinner. I tend to keep that covered up when I go outside.

Deserves Better

It is only fair to say that today I recieved a Thank You card from Danny. (I complained about not getting one last entry). I take back everything bad I ever said about you. ;-)

Merry Christmas!

Career Woman

Someone told me that they actually check if I've updated my blog...so I guess that means I have fans!! woo hoo! In that case, I'm doing this for my fans......

I've now been in Wichita almost 5 weeks, working for Aeroflex. I may actually start doing some real "work" soon! Kinda exciting. Also kinda frightening. I hope I don't blow anything up. At least not yet. :)

My dining room chairs and computer desk finally came in today. I've assembled 2 of 4 chairs already. The desk...well, I have to get the box up the stairs and in the door first. I'm going to need some reinforcements for that.

I think I like Wichita. Believe it or not (or care about it or not), I found a Navigators group here...with about 15 people in it. I'm praying about whether to get involved there or find another ministry since Navs has pretty successfully become my identity. Not necessarily a good thing. Maybe I can talk Seth and Mindy into coming down here. They could even move into my apartment for a while. I could share a room with the kids. :-p

Becky N sent me a thank you letter today. Her brother Danny has yet to send me a thank you letter, but I won't hold that against him...he's a boy. He did actually say "Thank you" once.

*Note to PB & Janie: House of Cha told me that they're opening a store here in Ta-town pretty soon. I will have my Bubble Tea!! (insert evil cackle here).

My life lately has been rather sad. I haven't been doing much at work (though that should be changing soon), and then I have nobody to come home to, no friends to go out with, nothing particularly worthy to accomplish in my free time. It's been rather lonely. All the college students are getting ready for Christmas break and won't come back for a few weeks, so I can't get involved there yet. I think this really is a time for me to draw nearer to God, but I've been struggling against it almost the whole time I've been here. I don't know why, either. It would seem very logical to draw near to Him when I have nobody else, but something in me just wants to push Him away right now. Lord, break this pride of mine. All I have You've given me, and is Yours. Let me see it that way and take care of it in a worthy manner (been reading Leviticus & Numbers lately), as things that are given wholly to you.

I could keep writing, but the other 2 chairs are calling my name. See you next 3 months!