VooDoo Doll for Lonliness

If anyone doesn't get the title, it's from that cellphone commercial...if you still don't get it, too bad for you.
I am going so completely crazy from lonliness. The lonlier I get, the more I just hide out in my apartment, the less people I see and the more restless/neurotic I get, the lonlier I am. I am so desperate for a rooommate and for someone(s) to invest in. I went to Christian Challenge tonight. It was a good message and really good to have people around, but I get all nervous and shy when I'm the new person and I didn't talk to anyone I hadn't met before. I asked about the possibility of leading a Bible study, but aparently you have to be in one of their church's Bible studies first, and then be a "Leader in Training" before they'll let you lead one yourself. I'm not patient enough for that. And I feel no calling to get involved in another church.
I need to have people I feel I'm responsible for. Maybe some of it is a pride issue, but it's also just longing for something familiar to cling to, and I'm motivated to seek God if it's for others' benefit, but not very motivated just for myself. I forgot to ask around if anyone was looking for an apartment. I need other people here. I can't keep being the only one who is ever here. I just can't. I feel like a broken record. All I ever tell people anymore is that I'm lonely.

On a more spiritual side of things, I really want to understand grace. I keep finding myself striving after my own righteousness, and falling short, then burdened with shame for it. I know this isn't what Christ has for me. And I'm so scared of sin. I fear that God is going to be angry with me for my failures, and call me to account for them. It is so hard to consider that God has no wrath left for me--Christ satisfied all of it. Sin is to be despised, not because it might hold me again, but as an old broken chain of my former slavery; as the enemy of the One I love.
I've been reading from Job lately, and I am identifying with him in his struggle to understand righteousness. Not that I have suffered great loss or my friends are accusing me or I'm so depressed I wish I had never been born--but desiring to be found righteous before God, but knowing all fall short, and knowing that He is holy and He does what He will and I cannot question Him. I'm starting to see how amazing it is that God saved me despite my craving to justify myself. To get me to accept that I'm a sinner is a great thing indeed.

Too much analyzing makes one sound depressed

About time for another post, I suppose.

Honestly, I even forget that I have a blog for weeks at a time. I guess that's better than obsession with it. :)

I'm finally starting to be useful at work, fixing bugs in some of the software. Believe it or not, I don't mind all the testing and such. I like being able to see my changes at work--to know I'm actually accomplishing something. I wonder if I'll ever grow beyond being performance-driven. Even trying not to be performance-driven is a type of performance...try to wrap your mind around THAT! :)

Pretty soon I'll start being more involved with church and maybe a campus ministry. Right now, though, I still don't have much to do in the evenings. I've been watching episodes of Monk (first 3 seasons--Christmas present from my brother), reading Oliver Twist, and playing video games. Exciting life, don't you say? Someday I'll go to the zoo. It's only a dollar for Winter Wednesdays. James has invited me to a couple concerts, but I've been out of town both times.

I'm restless, but also scared. It takes so much effort to establish oneself in a new place. I really am shy in new environments, and it drains me emotionally to meet people when I'm the new one. I very much want to know/control what they think of me, and I usually assume the worst in that respect. I always feel I have to prove myself, and that's difficult when I don't have a clue what I'm doing or who I'm trying to impress.

Woe is me! Haha. This is sounding worse than it feels right now. I'm going to stop analyzing and get back to my young friend Oliver Twist. Goodnight, all.